


I'm moving out

by rightinthephils



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-27
Updated: 2017-09-27
Packaged: 2019-01-06 01:50:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12201498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rightinthephils/pseuds/rightinthephils
Summary: "I’m sharing every single moment of my life with you. It is like eating something you are allergic to for every meal for all your life, of course you can’t be OK, no matter how much you like that food, you know it’s not good for you.You are not good for me Phil."Dan decides to move out.





	I'm moving out

“I’m moving out”

Phil was sitting on his bed peacefully browsing through the comments on his new video when Dan rushed into his room and announced that he was moving out.

And Phil could swear he almost heard the thud his heart made when it dropped and collided with the hard surface of the cold tiles.

“What? What are you talking about?”

“I’m moving out. I’ve packed all my stuff. I’ll be staying with bryony till I find a new place.”

“Moving..out?” Phil’s breath hitched and his heart started beating rapidly "But why? what did i do?“

"Nothing, It’s not you Phil, it’s me, I need to be alone for a while, ok?”

“Do you want me to go back to Manchester for a few days? I’ll visit my parents and you get to be alone for a bit. You can have the flat to yourself for as long as you want, ok? I’ll stay away as long as you want.” He said almost begging.

And in that moment, seeing Phil stare at him with wide huge blue eyes on the verge of tears, he almost doubted his decision, almost.

But then he remembered all the things that had let to that decision, everything that kept him awake at night thinking, Thousands of little things, moments, memories that were eating him from the inside like millions of little hungry bugs crawling and biting on his soul.

“No Phil, i have to move out”

“But why?”

There was no answer.

“For god’s sake Dan, answer me, tell me what’s going on, ” Phil was almost shouting now.

“For once talk to me…. please” He whispered.

Dan couldn’t stand it, seeing Phil so broken. Phil never shouted, and now he was whispering, begging for an answer.

An answer Dan couldn’t give him, didn’t want to give him, and it hurt to see Phil like that and it hurt looking at him, it also hurt talking to him or being around him. Everything hurt as long as Phil was involved. To him Phil was the personification of heart break and rejection and that’s why he wanted to leave, to move out, he just couldn’t take it anymore.

It’s not that he didn’t like Phil, in fact quite the opposite, he loved Phil, he adored Phil, he needed him with every fiber of his being but at the same time, he needed to stay away from him.

Dan finally looked up and of course Phil was there still looking at him, heartbreak apparent in his eyes and so Dan started panicking and hyperventilating, he didn’t want to do this to Phil but it was better for the both of them.

“I just can’t take it anymore, ok? This needs to stop. I don’t want to torture myself anymore. I have to move out. I might not like the idea but that’s what I need to do. That’s what I need to do, what I need to do…”

Dan was repeating the exact same sentence over and over again, repeating it more to himself than to Phil, and after a while it got quieter, more robotic, almost like a chant in the distance coming from somewhere within his soul. He was staring at the wall now, looking dazed, almost like he wasn’t there, like he was seeing beyond the old white wall covered by cracks and stains.

“It’s what I need to do, what I need to do…” And suddenly He started shaking. It reminded Phil of that lone leaf he had seen on a tree on the way home, trembling in the cold autumn wind yet still standing, latching onto the tree, not letting go, still fighting even though it was doomed to fall, to crash, but still it had kept its tight grip on the tree and maybe just maybe Dan resembled that leaf in more ways than one.

“Dan, Dan, hey Dan it’s ok, look at me” But he wasn’t answering, he was off in his own world, in his head, who knew what was going on in there? No one had ever entered that world, no one except Dan himself, and Phil, Phil the only one who had visited, more than once. He had because he was the only one Dan had ever let in and he knew from personal experience that it wasn’t a happy place. It wasn’t warm and colorful and full of rainbows and puppies. No, it was cold and it was grey and full of shadows, shadows of the past and the future,

and it was scary.

Phil knew that because he had been petrified during those little short visits he had in the past, when Dan was drunk or vulnerable, scared or sleepy and he had opened up and Phil had seen what a scary place it was, within the confines of his mind. He couldn’t even imagine what it was like to live in those shadows all the time and Phil had tried, god knows he had done everything in his power to rescue him. He had tried to get him out of there to distract him and he had almost succeeded,

or so he thought.

Dan hadn’t been like this in months, he had been improving. He was getting better, right?

So what went wrong?

Dan was still shaking, mumbling incoherent sentences with each breath, looking at the horrific scene that only his eyes could see.

And if he was the leaf which tree was he latching onto? What did he not want to let go of that was hurting him so bad?

“Dan stop please, Dan, Dan, please Dan, talk to me” Phil was getting desperate and panicky, Dan hadn’t had one of those attacks in 2 years and he had almost forgotten how it was like, how much it hurt to see him shaking uncontrollably, stuck in his own personal hell, not able to escape but still fighting.

So, in a moment of panic and fear he grabbed the half full glass of water and splashed it all over Dan’s face.

It seemed like everything was in slow motion.

And in that split second between the time the water hit Dan’s face and when he stopped shaking and his eyes finally focused on him, Phil died about a thousand times.

But seeing the light come back to the golden brown of the younger’s eyes, was what brought him back to life.

Because Phil’s life depended on those eyes and he might never admit it to himself properly, let alone to anybody else, but he needed those eyes to shine, to light up with excitement, to get that mischievous glint that they got whenever Dan did something he wasn’t supposed to do. He needed those gorgeous orbs to shine and to look at him. He needed to see them at least once a day just to be able to keep going. Because he was an addict and those eyes were his fix. He was hooked the first time he looked into them and now he could never get enough.

It wasn’t just the eyes, he was also addicted to his smell, to his sound, and to his smile, to the sound of his laughter and the way he sighed when he was bored, 

and to him.

That’s why without him he’d be miserable at best.

He stepped forward and wrapped his hands around him, pulling him in the biggest, tightest hug he could manage.

“it’s ok, it’s ok now. It’s over, we are ok, you’re fine, I’m here” He whispered in his ear but it was more to assure himself.

And that’s when he realized that his own face was just as wet as Dan’s, only not for the same reason.

Then he heard it.

A choking sound,

and then a sob,

and then another one,

and then the beauty in his arms started sobbing and crying uncontrollably.

He had never believed in weeping angles but right now he had a real life version in his arms.

“Shhhhhhh, it’s ok, don’t worry, i’m here, you are ok.”

They stood there like that for a few moments, Dan just sobbing in Phil’s shirt and Phil stroking his back, whispering sweet nothings in his ear.

But then Dan remembered. He remembered why he was there in the first place. He wasn’t going to fall back in Phil’s arms. It wasn’t healthy and it needed to stop. He needed to stop needing Phil so much.

So he suddenly detached himself from Phil, pushing him back with force in the process.

He daren’t look into his eyes. He didn’t want to see the heartbroken look he knew the older boy was holding in his eyes right now, but he needed to do this.

So he finally looked up and his heart shattered into a million tiny pieces when his eyes met Phil’s watery ones. Had he just made Phil cry?

He was feeling sick and dizzy. Suddenly his legs gave out from under him and he was falling. He gripped a chair he hadn’t even noticed was there to keep himself standing.

He could feel the bile rising in his throat so he hurried to the bathroom with shaky legs. He kneeled next to the toilet and threw up, emptying what little food his stomach contained. When he was done he sat back and cleaned his mouth with his sleeve.

“Are you ok?” Dan didn’t turn to look at him, he knew he’d be sick again if he did.

“Do i look like i am ok?”

Then there was silence, falling over them, drowning them, circling around the room, watching, waiting for them to break and fall apart.

“Why don’t you talk to me Dan? Why do you push me away?”

‘Because you are everywhere Phil, in my thoughts, in my dreams, in my fantasies, in my sight, in my life, in my heart, in my soul, you are closer to me than me, you’re taking over my existence and i need to push you away in order to survive’

“There’s nothing to talk about”

“Fine you may be able to lie to me but you can’t lie to yourself no matter how hard you try. Look what it’s doing to you.”

Silence

“Please Dan just let me help”

More silence

Phil almost opened his mouth to talk again.

“You can’t help Phil” He said finally standing up and turning around “Can’t you see? Can’t you see that it’s you? You are the one who is making me this way, you are the reason i hurt so much.”

“Wha-”

“No, listen to me Phil. You wanted me to talk? I’m talking now, so listen”

Dan felt numb, only half aware of what was going on.

Something inside him had switched off.

“Do you think it’s easy? Living with you? working with you? Talking to you? Looking at you? Do you think it’s easy forgetting? Do you think it’s easy pretending that i’m ok with everything that happened between us all that time ago? Because i’m fucking not.

Do you think it’s easy sleeping at night when all i ever dream of is you? I love you Phil, i’m desperately in love with you, i want you so much it physically hurts”

He was trembling now. He was getting cold so he wrapped his arms around himself.

“And knowing that you don’t want me breaks me. It shatters me into a million tiny pieces with each passing second. I’ve tried to be ok, trust me, i have, but I can’t…. I can’t be ok, not as long as this goes on.

I’m sharing every single moment of my life with you. It is like eating something you are allergic to for every meal for all your life, of course you can’t be ok, no matter how much you like that food, you know it’s not good for you.

You are not good for me Phil.” He paused, taking in a shaky breath, trying to calm himself, to hide the quivering in his voice.

But when he started again, it came out even weaker, "Do you think i like leaving you? Do you think i won’t miss your eyes? or your voice? or your shitty jokes that make my whole day?“ He said, the ghost of a smile grazing his features "Of course i’m gonna miss you Phil. I’ll be miserable away from you,” He said taking a deep breath. He had to do this right, he needed to stay strong.

“But i’m also miserable when i’m close to you. This is fucked up and it needs to stop. We’ll still be best friends, just like you wanted. We’ll still work together, just please, let me go…i have to…i need to.”

“Dan…” It was quiet, almost a whisper and it would have gone unnoticed if there was anyone else standing there in Dan’s place but Dan could always hear Phil, no matter how quiet his voice. His ears were trained for hearing that voice.

“Dan i never realized it was…I…”

“It’s ok Phil, I know, it’s alright. It doesn’t matter, ok?”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

“Why would i tell you? I didn’t want to make a fool of myself. You had made yourself perfectly clear, I didn’t want to force myself on you.”

“We could talk about it I could have explained myself”

“What was there to explain Phil?” Dan chuckled bitterly “How you broke my heart? How you picked up the pieces and put them back together just to step on it and smash it all over again? Or explain how you gave me everything and then took it all away? How you were the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me? How you denied me any chance of ever being happy again? You shattered me Phil, you destroyed me.” Dan exclaimed “You broke my heart” He whispered, his voice breaking. "But still I loved you with every remaining piece of it. It wasn’t my choice Phil, I couldn’t….I can’t help it.“ He let out the breath he didn’t even know he was holding and closed his eyes.

"And I would’ve hated you if i could, if i wasn’t too busy loving you instead.”

Tears were now falling freely on his face brushing past his cheeks and losing their way into his mouth but he didn’t care. Phil had seen him at his worst. He didn’t have anything to hide from him. He had seen every inch of him, body and mind, there wasn’t anything he had kept for himself, he had given it all.

He’d given himself to the older boy completely at the command of those blue eyes and it might have not been the wise thing to do, yet he didn’t regret it one bit. He would do it all over again in a heartbeat and he hated himself for that.

But that’s just how love works. It isn’t about roses and sunsets and dancing in the rain.

It’s cold and demanding and it wants everything, it takes away everything, bit by bit, and you can’t stop it, and then one day you wake up and you are left with nothing.

Everything you want, everything you need, every wish, hope or dream, they are in the hands of a stranger, the complete stranger who came into your life and stole your heart, taking your mind, body and soul along the way, taking everything, every tear, every smile, every thought, every dream.

Nothing’s yours anymore, it’s all theirs and you are completely at their mercy but it doesn’t matter because it’s the best feeling in the world. As long as they are beside you, as long as you have their love, you’ll give everything in a heartbeat, because nothing else really matters.

The problem with Phil though, is that he took everything and left him with nothing in exchange. He pulled the rug out from under his feet and he landed right on his bum and it hurt so fucking much.

“Talking about it wouldn’t change anything.”

“No, but I could have explained.”

“Explain?” Dan chuckled “You dumped me Phil, it doesn’t need any kind of explanation. Clearly, you didn’t want me anymore. It’s not some kind of differential equation.”

“I’m sorry Dan”

“No Phil. No…oh god, i AM the one who should be sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. You just don’t love me in the way that i love you and that’s perfectly fine, it’s not your fault that you don’t feel the same way anymore. I can’t make you fall in love with me, it’s ok, i know it is, and that’s why I have to move out, it’s jus…”

“No , you don’t understand, it’s… it’s not that” Phil said looking at the floor “I’m apologizing for so much more.” He said quietly.

“What are you talking about? You don’t have anything to apologize for.”

“Yes I do.” Phil replied, nervously playing with a lose thread on his jeans, “What I did to you was wrong, what i did to us… I destroyed what we had. I destroyed the best thing that had ever happened to me. It was the wrong thing to do but I did it for all the right reasons or…or at least that’s what it seemed like at the time.” Phil was still avoiding his eyes.

“What do you mean?”

“Well…” Phil started looking around subconsciously, hoping for the right words to just suddenly appear somewhere on the walls.

And that’s when he noticed that they had been standing in the bathroom the whole time, Phil didn’t know how he imagined this conversation to happen but it certainly wasn’t like this, not in the loo of all places.

“Do you want to go back to my room? Or maybe yours? I don’t know”

That’s when Dan came to his senses and started looking around.

“Ok”

And they headed to Dan’s room in a silent agreement, Phil’s room the last place in this house that Dan wanted to step in right now. It was, intimidating…scary almost, hunted by the shadows of what happened only minutes earlier, which was one of the lowest points in his life.

So he headed to his own room ,Phil following close behind.

And when Dan finally opened the door, Phil was surprised by the emptiness of the room. There was no trace of Dan’s stuff, he’d even took off his bed sheets, the only things remaining were the bed, the piano, the empty wardrobe and a giant packed suitcase in the corner.

That was when it really hit him. Dan was leaving him. He was moving out.

And he stopped abruptly in the middle of the room. He couldn’t let this happen, not like this, at least not before Dan knew the truth. He didn’t know what the brunette would do once he told him everything, probably get even more angry with him, but he didn’t care, he deserved to know and seeing as he was planning on getting out of Phil’s life, maybe this was his last chance.

“Phil? Hey, Phil?” Dan was moving his hand in front of his face trying to get his attention.

“Oh sorry about that, I just zoned out a bit, I’m sorry” Phil said with a shaky voice, he then moved to sit on the bed.

Dan followed his lead and sat on the bed right beside him, crossing his legs, neither of them looking at the other, they both knew it’d be too much for them.

Instead they both stared straight ahead at the bare wall.

“So?” He didn’t say more, it wasn’t necessary.

It was interesting how Phil could practically see right through him. He didn’t need to articulate his thoughts, Phil could always tell what he wanted. sometimes he’d even respond without him wording it out loud. He could do the same for Phil, they just knew each other too well.

And not the kind of knowing that comes with being friends with someone for a long time or living with them, no, it was almost like they had a connection.

It had been there right from the start, it was like a gravitation force, no matter how hard they tried to pull away, they were drawn to each other, they couldn’t help it.

Phil was the moon to his earth. He lit up the night of his life with his existence but also he was the one who kept him alive, the one who stayed around and kept him in the orbit, saving him from floating in the infinite darkness and emptiness of the space that was his mind.

And just like the moon he was, he couldn’t be reached or touched and Dan could never have him next to himself because it wouldn’t work like that.

Everything came with a price and the price of having Phil was not having him and that didn’t make sense but in a twisted way it did.

And just like earth, without his moon he’d lose all light and life.

But then again Phil was the one who was sucking the life out of him bit by bit with each passing second. It wasn’t intentional though, Phil couldn’t even hurt a fly on propose.

“I need to tell you something, i have for a while” Dan nodded silently urging him to continue.

“Do you remember why we broke up?”

“Of course i do, you said it wasn’t going to work between us. You weren’t attracted to me like that anymore. That we’d be better off as friends.”

“Yes, that’s what i said but do you remember what was going on back then? What led to that? Do you remember when it was?”

“April the sixth, 2010, around 7 pm.” Dan whispered, 'The day a part of me died’ He finished in his mind.

The fact that he remembered the exact date down to the hour brought tears to Phil’s eyes. Apparently it had hurt the younger boy far more than he had let on. What had he done? But then again what other choice had he had?

“Anything else?”

The room fell into silence, they sat there staring at the wall, none of them saying a word.

It had been almost 5 minutes but it seemed like hours.

“The valentine’s day video,” Dan whispered “It was almost a week after the valentine’s day video leaked.”

“Do you remember our situation back then? Do remember the state you were in? You were cracking under the pressure Dan. You couldn’t take all the hate. You didn’t want anyone to know about us so when that happened it completely messed you up. You stopped eating, you started cutting again, you attempted suicide three times in a week Dan, one week. I didn’t know what to do, you weren’t doing well and I was alone and scared” He said, his voice breaking at the end, he could feel the tears that were struggling to break out of his eyes at the thought of those days.

Dan was looking at his lap feeling ashamed, he never knew it was that bad. Well he had been really messed up and he had hurt a lot but he didn’t know it had such a huge effect on Phil.

“So what I did, I…” Phil stopped picking at the hole in his jeans and looked up. Dan was staring at him and their eyes met for almost a second, the younger boy instantly averting his gaze.

“It wasn’t something i wanted to do, it was something i needed to do.”

“What do you mean you needed to? Phil? Just what are you saying?” And that’s when he finally looked at Phil. He wanted to make sure he was following his every word.

If Phil was implying what he thought he was…fuck he didn’t even know what he’d do. There were so many factors. He just couldn’t comprehend it.

“What i mean is…”

Phil looked him straight in the eyes and this time Dan didn’t look away, he kept his gaze. It seemed like time had frozen.

And if you listened closely you could hear the sound of two souls clashing.

“What I mean is…I…I never fell out of love with you. I never wanted to end it. Fuck, it was..and still is the most amazing thing that’s ever happened in my life. You, you are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me and maybe that’s why I did what I did. I did it so i could have you, but in a way i also lost you at the same time.

I don’t regret it though, I don’t regret any of it. As much as it saddens me, I’m also glad” He said, stopping for a moment and letting out a shaky breath.

“Because now at least I have you in my life. I did it so if I couldn’t have the whole of you, at least I could still have something. Hell, it didn’t even matter if I could have any of you. That was the last of my worries back then. I just wanted you to exist. I would have done with just knowing that you are existent somewhere in the world. The fact that, that some place is by my side is amazing though.

I just didn’t want to lose you Dan”

Then everything went quiet and phil was waiting for an answer, a reaction, a tear drop or the ghost of a smile, maybe the tiniest frown or a sign in those pretty chocolate eyes,

but he got nothing.

There was no answer, no frowns, no smiles, nothing. Dan just sat there staring at him with rounded empty eyes, all the color drawn from his face like he had just been informed that the world had imploded.

And in a way it had, not the world, but his world. He just couldn’t comprehend what he was hearing. He refused to accept that any of that was true. He couldn’t, so he just kept staring numbly. Everything seemed so unreal, maybe it was just a dream.

But Phil couldn’t stand the silence anymore. He just desperately wanted Dan to know everything, to understand. He couldn’t carry this weight on his shoulders any more, not alone.

“Don’t you get it? I…I never stopped loving you, I did what I had to do to protect you, yes your love mattered to me but your friendship mattered more and your well being was what mattered the most. At least that way I could still have you as a friend and maybe I could somehow keep you in my life. What would’ve happened if I had lost you completely back then? I can’t even imagine a world without you”

“What did you do Phil? Why? How could you?” Dan had broken out of his trance and now he just felt angry. He could feel the rush of anger that was spreading through his body, burning him from within.

He couldn’t take it anymore. He stood up and started pacing the room.

"So what you are telling me is that you suddenly woke up one day and felt the need to break up with me? That you broke my heart for no fucking reason at all? You abandoned me when i needed you the most, how was that supposed to help me?“

He stopped pacing and looked down at the older male "What did you do Phil?” He whispered, a lone tear rolling down his cheek, he didn’t bother wiping it away, it didn’t matter.

And silence fell upon the room for yet another time that day, but not for long because then Phil suddenly stood up, facing him, looking him straight in the eyes, their faces only centimeters apart, it seemed like the anger was contagious because the fire in Dan’s eyes was now reflecting in his usually calm ocean blue ones.

“I did what I needed to do to keep you alive and I’d do it all over again if I had to. Do you even remember how tough things were back then? You had completely lost your shit. You didn’t want anyone to know about us and you blamed me for that video getting unprivated. You were angry at me all the time. You locked yourself in your room for three days straight and on the third day i found you unconscious on the floor, bleeding. do you know how hard it was for me to watch them take you away?” He shuddered at the memory.

He moved his eyes, staring at the wall behind Dan and getting a distant look in his eyes, memories flooding his mind “You were under a lot of pressure, because of me, because of 'us’, constantly worrying that we’d get caught, i couldn’t just sit and watch you burn out. I can still remember the emptiness in your eyes” Phil paused looking him in the eye, he looked tired, suddenly seeming ten times older.

“So i thought that if there was nothing going on between us, you would actually stop stressing so much about it. The principal was that they couldn’t find out about 'it’ if 'it’ didn’t exist and it was the only option. I had tried everything. I can’t even imagine you not being.” He whispered the last sentence, the anger had disappeared and the blue eyes were now filled with guilt and desperation.

“Please Dan, you need to understand, you just…you have to exist in order for me to be able to stay alive.”

And Phil finally broke the eye contact, hanging his head in shame like he had just confessed to murder.

"You kept trying to end it and of course I couldn’t keep going without you. I did what was best for you, what was best for the both of us" He looked up a few seconds later, staring in his eyes.

“I destroyed 'us’ in order to save 'me’ and 'you’ ” He said, his voice raspy and the blue sky of his eyes now rainy.

“Phil..” Dan was looking him in the eyes, he didn’t seem angry anymore just sad, broken.

He hadn’t thought about Phil back then, just himself, his image, his career. It was slowly coming back to him, all the times he’d shouted at Phil for no reason, all the times he’d pushed him away, all the nasty words he’d said. it was his own fault, really. He’d pushed him away and yet Phil hadn’t broken up with him because he was being a jerk. Phil had done it to save him.

To save him from himself. Despite everything he’d put the older male through he had still been trying to protect him.

He felt guilty and ashamed, tired and broken.

“I’m so sorry Phil. I didn’t mean to put you through all that”

“I know.” He paused and took a deep breath, feeling like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders

“Do you still want to move out?” He asked after a few moments, looking at the neatly packed suitcase in the corner of the room.

“It depends”

“Depends? On what?”

“On this” Dan said, taking a step forward and closing the gap between them, leaning in and taking Phil’s lips in between his own.

And after a few seconds he started to respond putting his hands around Dan’s neck and stroking the hair at the base of it.

And for a few short moments, they stood there in each other’s arms in the middle of an empty room with joint lips and closed eyes. It wasn’t a hungry kiss. It wasn’t lust filled and sloppy. It was comforting and sweet, almost innocent, a peace offering: 'Are you willing to start over with me and leave all the bad memories behind?’ and it was over as fast as it had started.

“Dan I…I don’t know”

“Why not? Whatever happened to never having fallen out of love?”

“Of course I love you, I love you with everything I have, but sometimes love is not enough and us of all people should know that by now.”

“Maybe it isn’t enough but it is all we have and without it we are left with nothing.” He looked the older boy in the eyes, his tone now serious, “So, what are we gonna do Phil? Take this chance and at least try to make it work? Or spend the rest of our lives thinking about 'what if’s and being filled with regret because of the chances we didn’t take?”

“But i’m scared. What if it doesn’t work? what if it all happens again? What if things go back to…I…you…” He said, finally looking up “What if you get worse Dan?” He whispered “I can’t go through all that again, I can’t handle that kind of pressure anymore and most importantly I don’t know if you can, you’ve just started getting better, just started being happy again and I don’t want to take it away from you. I could never forgive myself for it. I don’t want to ruin your life, or worse, be the cause of it ending…oh god…I don’t even want to imagine the possibilities…I…” His whispers had gotten quieter and quieter and now he was just mouthing the words, talking to himself.

Dan could hear the wheels in his head turning, he didn’t want them to though, he didn’t want Phil to think about it so much, he wanted him to take chances, to do whatever he wanted to do, to listen to his heart, because Phil’s heart was the biggest and most amazing one in existence.

“Shhh…Phil, sweetie, look at me, nothing’s gonna happen, please stop worrying so much, look at me, I’m not the same Dan, I’ve changed, i’m not the scared and anxious teenager anymore, I’ve left that part of me behind, I’m stronger now, none of those horrible things will ever happen again, I promise.”

“Yes, you are right, you have changed.” He looked up at Dan giving him a once over and smiling “And you are taller than me now” He let out a sigh “When did that happen?” But that smile wasn’t there for long then Phil remembered what they were discussing and it faded away, just like that, another good moment crushed under the weight of painful realities.

“I don’t know Dan, i mean i know you are stronger now, believe me i know and i’m so fucking proud of you but you still care about your image as much as you did before, if not more. We both know that you don’t want anyone to know about us, so the question is” Phil paused for a moment looking up at Dan, choosing his next words tactfully “Are you willing to….no…are you able to take that risk? To go through all that again? The stolen kisses and quick glances? The hidden touches? Holding hands under the tables? That nerve raking feeling of always being watched? looking behind our backs as if we’ve done something wrong and we’re about to get caught? Not being able to do anything in public? Being afraid of even smiling at each other because people might notice?”

And the room was quiet, almost too quiet because Dan didn’t know what to say and because Phil had gotten his answer. No, Dan didn’t want to go through that again. He didn’t want the hidden touches or stolen kisses. He didn’t want to play hide and seek but at the same time he didn’t want to come out. He didn’t want people to know, it was none of their business anyway and he didn’t want to tell them. 

Not because he didn’t like Phil enough to bother with telling anyone, or because he had a big problem with people knowing he was bi because he didn’t, at least not anymore. He used to really care about that, he didn’t want anybody finding out about his sexuality and that was why he had ruined what he had with Phil all that time ago. That was why he was so pissed about the valentine’s day video leaking.

But right now it wasn’t about that. It was more than that. He was pretty sure he’d do the same thing if he was dating a girl, he wouldn’t want to share it. Because in all honesty he liked the way things were right now. He liked his single image. Because let’s be honest things were less complicated this way, less drama, less public relationship problems, less jealous fangirls, and less boundaries. He could drop any sort of sexual comment about anyone. He could make innuendos, he could be subtly flirtious. He could play along when girls hit on him or make a joke about it.

And the thing was all of those little things, they were part of Dan now, the new Dan. It was him and he liked it. He liked doing those things and people liked him for it. It had become such a big part of him, the charming British boy with the cute accent who was witty and sarcastic who had a weird sense of humor and a dirty mind. It was him and he didn’t want that to change and with coming out he’d ruin all that, all the process he had made during these years.

“I don’t know Phil, i’ll have to think about it. It’s not easy for me, you know me better than anyone, you know how it is for me”

“I know sweetheart, I know and I’m not forcing you to do anything. I was just trying to explain the situation. The decision is yours. I just want you to know that whatever your decision might be, no matter what you choose to do i’m always here” And when Phil looked up he was blushing “And I will always care about you and that’s one thing that will never change, I’ll always love you regardless of our relationship, I’ll love you as a boyfriend, an older brother, a best friend, a flat mate, a coworker or maybe just a stranger never to be seen again, I’ll be whatever you want me to be.”

“I… Phil…” Tears were pooling inside Dan’s eyes and he didn’t know how to react. Those were the nicest words anyone had ever told him in his almost 22 years of life but that wasn’t much of a surprise. After all, Phil was the nicest person he’d ever met in his almost 22 years of life.

In fact, he thought Phil was the nicest person to have ever walked on this earth but he knew if he ever told that to anyone they’d raise the argument that he hadn’t seen all the people who have ever walked on earth or will walk on it, therefore proving him wrong by default but he didn’t care. In his eyes Phil was the nicest human being to ever exist, they could take him to meet Jesus and he’d still see Phil as the nicest person in the world.

Religious people always talked about how much god cared about people but in all honestly he was curious if he cared about Dan half as much as Phil did.

“Can i hug you?” It was all that he could manage.

Because right now he couldn’t articulate what he was feeling and he needed to show it. He needed Phil to know how thankful he was for his existence, how his words had such a huge effect on him.

Because in all honesty, without Phil, Dan wouldn’t have made it. He would have been gone far too long ago.

But Phil, Phil had the ability to make him better, to pick up the pieces and put them back together. He had the ability to fix him. He had saved him so many times.

“You don’t need to ask Dan. You can hug me whenever you want.”

So Dan took a big step and throw his arms around the older boy. Holding on so tight that he was having a hard time breathing but he didn’t say anything, he just put his arms around the other boy and hugged back just as tightly, putting his head in the crook of his neck, taking in a lungful of his sent, the sent he had come to love during all this time they had lived together. He could just go and buy the same brand of aftershave and conditioner but it wouldn’t feel right. It was Dan’s smell after all. That was what made it special.

“Anytime?” Phil could hear the chuckle in his voice.

“Anytime.” He replied.

“Ok then, I’ll hold you to that.” And with that he let him go.

“There is still something we need to discuss, umm…” He looked down, thinking for a few seconds.

Phil didn’t say anything so he continued “I still want to move out, just for a bit. I need to be on my own for a little while. I need to think, to clear my mind…make a few decisions.” He looked up again, this time smiling, "No need to worry though, it’s not permanent, just for a while.“

"Promise me you will come back to me?” Phil said, his voice barely above a whisper. There was a worried look on his face.

“I promise. I will always come back to you” Dan said stepping forward, taking him in his arms once more “You know why?”

“Hmm?”

“Because you are my home.” He whispered in his ear.


End file.
